


A minor case of guilt

by wh4t4sh4me



Category: The OA (TV)
Genre: F/M, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, heavy guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:48:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wh4t4sh4me/pseuds/wh4t4sh4me
Summary: Every time he got in the near of Prairie, his reasons, the ultimate goal, everything faded, leaving him craving something he could not have.





	A minor case of guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for grammatical mistakes. I sadly don't have a beta.  
> \---  
> Please enjoy!

It was a rather gray day and he had been stuck on one single problem in his studies for a week now and gradually ran out of new ways to approach it.  
To say that this was frustrating was an understatement.

Hap took a drag of his cigarette and tried to ignore the rattling noises out of the window behind his head.  
Prairie began to hum a tune that seemed familiar to him.  
A quick glance over his shoulder assured him that she was still doing the dishes.  
He looked up into the clouds and waited for the nicotine to reach his bloodstream and calm him.  
Hap had always been annoyed with the needs of his body for certain things like sleep or food,- in short, everything that kept him from doing his work. That also included social interactions to a certain point and, of course, intimacy.  
But that he himself was angry about the wasted time could not conceal the fact, that his mind, his subconscious craved for other human beings, for closeness and physical affection.

He realised very early into his self-elected exile that, if he didn't want to change his bedsheets every other week, or deal with enormous mood swings, he had to attend to this needs as well.  
As a man and a doctor, he didn't saw a problem in addressing a thing and searching for a logical solution to it.  
He told himself many times, that the main reason he kept Prairie around was for socialising, to assure himself that he wouldn't go nuts in the otherwise empty house.  
Naturally, it was also a big advantage to have someone giving him a hand with the household.  
About the other thing… His mind told him that it was only logical to take a hot shower every now and then, but he could not fight down a strange pang of guilt every time he laid a hand on himself. It was like seeing the face of his old teacher all over again, locking eyes with every teenager in his High School class and saying: “It's a sin!”  
He already conducted that he might have a slight neurosis resulting out of this strict education that lectured chastity without ever explaining what exactly one should refrain from doing.  
Blessed be the Sex-Ed. in America.  
Hap shifted uncomfortably.  
Putting out his cigarette in the ash tray he stood up and quietly opened the door to the kitchen. He did not want to give Prairie a reason to stop her singing.  
She noticed him somehow.  
“Hap?”  
“Yes?” He went into denial about that spark of disappointment he felt as she stopped her peaceful humming.  
Her blue eyes looked somewhere between the window and the kitchen counter as she spoke. “I'm sorry, but I can't find the small cutting knife. Can you see it somewhere?”  
Hap spotted the item only a few centimetres away from her right hand and stepped behind her. He put his own hand on hers as he had done countless times before and moved it to the hilt of the knife.  
She smiled lightly. Probably nervously? He couldn't tell.  
“I knew it couldn't be far.”, she said.  
“What's on the menu today?”, he asked, almost jokingly.  
She did not answer right away.  
Hap looked down on his hand above her slightly smaller, paler one and realised with horror that he remained in his position so very close to her and that she had turned her head slightly, questioning.  
He moved back at once, taking his hands with him and mouthing a voiceless curse.  
There.  
There it was again.  
It was not that he did not realise that he was invading her personal space. It was just that…he had hoped that…she would not…notice. Wouldn't mind. Let him be there.  
Allow him a moment in her very near, without consequences or necessarily a deeper meaning. Just breathing in her scent, letting his head rest on her shoulder while pulling her close; Perfectly innocent.  
Nonetheless his thoughts, he felt hot and his skin prickly as he watched her standing with his back turned on him. There was a certain pressure below his belt and he could sense his cheeks and ears heating up like that of a goddamn teenager.  
“I'm taking a shower.”, he said as nonchalantly as possible and left the kitchen.  
The frustration about not being able to resume his work made it painfully clear to him, the other reason he felt so incredible guilty when masturbating.  
Every time he got in the near of Prairie, his reasons, the ultimate goal, everything faded, leaving him craving something he could not have.

His clothes crumbled to the floor and he stepped on the cold tiles of the shower and turned on the water.  
Without looking he grabbed behind him for the soap bottle and rubbed a generous amount over his palms.  
Hap muffled a grunt as he took his already half-erected member in one hand and supported himself with his other arm on the shower wall.  
He pressed his face against his forearm as he slowly started stroking, twisting his wrist with every movement.  
Images of Prairie pushed into his mind. Her hair, her fair complexion, her eyes. How her hands on his face and chest would feel. How she would pull him close, smiling like the first time they met.  
He bit into his own skin, hard enough to bruise and grabbed his cock harder, which, to his own surprise and embarrassment did not feel entirely unpleasant. Maybe it was because the last time had been weeks ago or he got so worked up over that damn problem. But that was not how it should be. It was suppose to hurt! How could he otherwise ever justify those thoughts?  
He used his thumb to rub in small circles over his tip, breathing heavily now. Hot water ran down his face and neck. The scene from just minutes before kept replaying before his eyes. Her hand under his and the smell of her hair and neck in his nose.  
In his fantasy she turned around to him, pulling his shirt out of his trousers, touching the skin beneath, the little belly her cooking put there. Searching, wanting, they wandered deeper and now it was not his hand Hap imagined on himself. The man tried to keep his hips from bucking up, muffling his moans with his arm.  
Fantasy!Prairie took his glasses of his nose and ruffled through his hair, while simultaneously working on his cock, rolling his balls back and forth in her hand. He could not see her face because it was beside his ear but her smell filled his senses.  
To far gone to feel guilty now, his own movements became a mirror to the picture inside his head.  
He was close, so close and then Prairie kissed him and her scent surrounded him and it was perfect.  
Hap came, spilling hot semen over his hand, while he doubled over and made a noise like someone punched him in the guts.  
Masturbation may not be as terrible as the Christian church proclaimed but Hap knew that, hypothetically, if there was a hell and he was not already going there for the other things he did, he surely would for wanting Prairie the way he did.  
  
The room was filled with steam and as always afterwards, his breathing seemed unnaturally loud to his own ears. As if he had been nearly suffocating for the last minutes. The hot stream hammered down on his neck and he blinked through the dizzy aftermath of his orgasm.  
Then he began to carefully remove the traces of his doings, washed himself, before turning the shower knob all the way to the left.  
He shivered as the water got extremely cold very fast but endured the iciness for another ten seconds.  
Then he grabbed a towel and decided to change completely when he lifted his T-shirt to his nose. He grimaced. It smelled of cold cigarettes and sweat. The last days had been rough.  
Prairie passed him on his way to the bedroom, in the limited space of the corridor. Her eyes were locked on a point somewhere before her and she did not pay any attention to where he was, pressed up against the wall and holding his towel in place.  
Although he knew that she was blind, it felt like another violation to be nearly undressed in front of her without her consent.  
“Your food is ready.” she said before disappearing behind the corner to the kitchen.  
His ears turned red and he sighed, rubbing the dark mark on his arm, he himself had left there just moments ago. “Thank you. I'll be there in a minute.”  
That guilt was something he had to live with.  
Every aspect of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Think about leaving a comment when you liked this story. I really appreciate any kind of feedback!


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